I wonder about things... I'd like to ask people to explain, but I don't think I'd get a great reaction.
To my neighbors next door and across the street:
Why do you warm your car up for so long every morning? Seriously, how warm does it need to be? It's not like we have such terribly cold mornings, even. Sure, it's usually 17-18 degrees out when I leave the house in the morning, but that's not THAT bad for a short time. Yet you must be really worried about it, because you warm up the car for so long every morning. I leave the house most mornings at 5:45, and both of your cars are already puffing away while you're inside doing whatever it is you do. I can come out the door, put my things in the car, scrape my windows, start the car, and drive away while your cars idle in the driveway. More than that, if I'm driving to the office or taking a later bus, I leave the house at 6:15... and the cars are STILL sitting in the driveway warming up. You must be making better money than I am, because I certainly can't afford the gas to run the car for an extra 30+ minutes every morning.
To the other people who walk along my route to work:
Why must you spit on the sidewalk? I don't understand it. I've never been walking along and suddenly felt that I just had to spit a big wad of mucous and saliva onto the ground. Yet obviously many of you do, because I have to watch where I'm walking every morning to avoid stepping in the numerous disgusting little puddles on the sidewalks. Ick.
To Michelle Obama:
Why did you decide to go with the bangs? I know you're making the rounds of the talk shows right now and everyone raves about the new look and bangs. But you know, they kind of HAVE to tell you they love it. You're right there in front of them after all. And you don't tell someone to their face that you liked the old haircut better. No, you wait and talk about it with your friends or husband (even though he doesn't really care) or write a snarky pretend letter about it so you can point out that the bangs are way too heavy and too low across the eyes. And the combination of the bangs and the style of the rest of your hair makes your face look shorter and chubbier. And given your obssession with America's eating habits, I can't think chubbier is the look you were going for.
To my brain:
Why can't you remember things for more than a few minutes at a time? You used to be so good. You could pull up entire pages of a textbook in a single glance, just to help me pass a test. And now, you won't even hold onto simple information - like who's phone number did I just dial? Is it because I don't treat you right? I did get you that brain-training app... and yes, I only got the free trial version because I wasn't willing to pay $1.99 for the real thing, but it was something at least. And besides, Candy Crush is surely about the same - it requires a lot of thinking and gives you a good workout. I try to get you enough rest - 4-5 hours at night plus an hour or so on the bus and an occasional involuntary nap at my desk. I don't know what more you want from me, but you need to straighten up and start helping out a little more around this place!
I had more... but I seriously can't remember. Actually, I've written a number of blog posts lately and they were great. Witty, thought-provoking, fun... but by the time I get out of the shower and get dressed, I've forgotten almost all of it. That's how you ended up with this one, instead. Darn brain, anyway.